don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
