It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
