i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
