and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
