DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
