I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
