that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
