We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize