I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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