I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Your cock deserves a montage
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize