I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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