dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
