i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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