once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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