somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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