Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
