i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
