I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
