you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
