I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
