You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
