this beer tastes like vomit already
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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