Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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