Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
