im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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