From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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