The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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