How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
