He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
