Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize