After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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