I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you never un-have a 4some
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
