Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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