Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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