pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
