Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish i was in the wii world.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
