just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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