My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I just sharted jello shots
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
