I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Barsexuality is the new black.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
