im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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