whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
