This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
