You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
