my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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