Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
