I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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