i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
