so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
