Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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