And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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