please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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