...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
