She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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