I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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