I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
