As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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