I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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