the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
